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Home
Authors
Groucho Marx
American
Comedian
About the author
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Man
#Friend
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Evening
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Old
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Feeling
#Golf
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Weather
#London
#Hate
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Day
#Today
#Power
#Events
#Tomorrow
#Yesterday
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Nothing
#State
#Poverty
#Extreme
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Order
#Relatives
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Life
#Honesty
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Women
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Dance
#People
#Wives
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Care
#Posterity
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Poor
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Eyes
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Now
#Art
#Taste
#Water
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Time
#Man
#Boss
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Man
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Time
#Life
#Words
#First
#Living
#Mind
#Soul
#Eternity
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Father
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Service
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Saying
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Mind
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Art
#Trouble
#Wrong
#Politics
#Remedies
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Marriage
#Politics
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Will
#Care
#Resignation
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Principles
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Jury
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Time
#First
#Sex
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Television
#America
#Newspapers
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Hollywood
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Successful
#Wife
#Man
#Woman
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Reading
#Laughter
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
Go, and never darken my towels again.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Women
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Woman
#Pleasure
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
Humor is reason gone mad.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Reason
#Humor
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Man
#Old
#Woman
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#People
#Democrats
#Republicans
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Buying
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Running
#Bed
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#People
#Care
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Time
#Television
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Mind
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Evening
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Trying
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Age
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Forget
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Television
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Play
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Talk
#Time
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Children
#Mother
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Justice
#Music
#Military
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Military
#Intelligence
#Contradiction
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Marriage
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Groucho Marx,
American
Comedian
#Life
#Man
#Control
#Women
#Fate