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Home
Authors
Henny Youngman
American
Comedian
About the author
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Money
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Car
#Brother
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Mother
#Pleasure
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Sleep
#Tomorrow
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Life
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Living
#Mother
#Selling
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#First
#Succeed
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Reading
#Drinking
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Love
#Wife
#Years
#Woman
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Service
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Love
#Home
#Woman
#Wrong
#Night
#Affection
#Tenderness
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Talent
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Wit
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Being
#Personality
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Love
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Suffering
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Want
#Men
#Wives
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Worth
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Golf
#Today
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#God
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Money
#Happiness
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Time
#People
#Dancing
#Music
#Marriage
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Right
#Drinks
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Time
#First
#Army
#Brother
#Karate
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Time
#Feet
#Son
#Bed
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Wife
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Man
#School
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Man
#Women
#Chicago
Take my wife... Please!
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Wife
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Time
#First
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Marriage
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Time
#Dad
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Time
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Horses
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Holidays
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Man
#Car
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Man
#Poor
#Self
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Woman
#Help
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Man
#Months
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman,
American
Comedian
#Wife