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Home
Authors
Johnny Vegas
British
Comedian
About the author
My forte is playing drunks down the ages. When my agent rings me about a role, I don't ask what the part is, but what century it's in.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
They look outside the windows of their apartment in town and realize they're not living in a terrace anymore. This is a room full of dreamers who like to go to London for a day.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#Day
#Living
#London
#Windows
My work's never been accepted by my family, but it's something I'll always carry on with.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#Work
#Family
There's lots of stuff about me being a fan of Cliff but not being gay. Which suggests that he is, but he's not. Anyway, this is Channel 4, let their lawyers sort it out.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#Being
#Lawyers
#Gay
You can't be a proper comic unless you've been out on stage and felt the fear.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#Fear
There's this idea that it has to be made in London. But we've got everything up here, and if you've got comics who are gifted because of where they're from, you shouldn't drag them away from that natural resource.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#Idea
#London
I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#Kids
#Old
#Party
#Birthday
This autocue was obviously written for someone else and I've been brought in at the last minute.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
Up North you are holding your own. Everyone considers themselves a comedian.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
We all have days where we can't pronounce things or give it the emotion it deserves.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#Emotion
We had a week off in the middle of shooting, but as soon as everyone stopped, we all went down with six different types of flu and other unmentionable diseases.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
When I wasn't as attractive as I am now, I suffered at the hands of cruel children and their taunts until I realised that confidence and a bit of aesthetic care can overcome that.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#Now
#Children
#Care
#Confidence
You can sway an audience if you win the women over. The gentlemen will follow 'cause they can be so foolish like that at times, they are easily led.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#Will
#Women
#Gentlemen
With stand-up you've just got that one chance. Audiences can be quite fickle.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#Chance
#Audiences
Baldness is visually enough of a stigma as it is without a big sweaty bloke on stage pointing it out.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#Love
#Question
#Ladies
I've got little ankles and a bit of a belly, so it makes me look rather an egg on legs.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
For the greater good, I thought I should be a spiritual leader for people for some reason.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#People
#Reason
#Thought
#Spiritual
#Leader
Had I become a priest, the sermons would've been electric!
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#Sermons
I actually enjoy being heckled; it keeps it interesting, and I think it is a nice feeling for people once they have left the show.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#People
#Feeling
#Being
I also want to return to doing stand-up. I've become frightened of live audiences. This is a really telling sign that I need to go back on the comedy circuit again.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#Want
#Comedy
#Audiences
I trained to be a priest - started to. I went to seminary school when I was 11. I wanted to be a priest, but when they told me I could never have sex, not even on my birthday, I changed my mind.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#School
#Mind
#Sex
#Birthday
I use very few muscles at the best of times.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
I'm getting positive feedback for my acting so we'll see if any other interesting parts come up.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#Acting
#Positive
I've got too much respect for stand-ups to call myself one.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#Respect
If an original piece of wardrobe came up from Star Wars, I'd probably spend a lot of money on it.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#Money
I always feel like an interloper when I do serious drama. It's my own paranoia.
Johnny Vegas,
British
Comedian
#Paranoia
#Drama