The Good Quote
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Home
Authors
Mitch Hedberg
American
Comedian
About the author
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Water
#Plants
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Want
#Friend
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Sister
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Want
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Tennis
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Day
#Being
#Trying
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Saying
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Wrong
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Time
#People
#Night
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Want
#Fish
#Fishing
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Pen
#Caring
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Cause
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Life
#People
#Thought
#Dogs
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Pen
#Disillusion
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Saying
#Woman
#Girlfriend
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Business
#Fire
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Jokes
#Funny
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#People
#Eyes
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Dogs
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Children
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Time
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Water
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Work
#Pretty
#Mortality
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Order
#Stairs
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Drugs
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Want
#Fun
#Will
#Machine
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Day
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Man
#Car
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Soccer
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Night
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Love
#Gambling
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Play
#Gambling
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Jokes
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Time
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#People
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#People
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Work
#Kitchen
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Dreams
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Words
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Now
#People
#Football
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#People
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#People
#Name
#Compliment
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Now
#Play
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian
#Life
#Women
#Sex
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Mitch Hedberg,
American
Comedian