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Home
Authors
Phyllis Diller
American
Comedian
About the author
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Sex
#Boyfriend
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Children
#Home
#Parents
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Deep
#Beauty
#Skin
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Kids
#Baseball
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Words
#Husband
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Years
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Want
#Children
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Justice
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Chance
#Housework
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Kids
#Growing up
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Kitchen
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Time
#Argument
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Public
#Play
#Reason
#Women
#Football
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Old
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Old
#Blood
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Will
#May
#Man
#Age
#Beauty
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Day
#Job
#Office
#Christmas
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Talk
#Teaching
#Children
#First
#Months
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Work
#Children
#Advice
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Kids
#Thought
#Cooking
#Thanksgiving
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Men
#Cause
#Doctors
#Crisis
#Medical
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Mother
#Pain
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Reason
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Reason
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Wedding
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Old
#Age
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Fight
#Bed
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Anger
#Business
#Kitchen
#Sound
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Smile
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Money
#Bank account
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Mistake
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller,
American
Comedian
#Will
#Children
#Home
#Rest