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Home
Authors
Rodney Dangerfield
American
Comedian
About the author
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Favorite
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#London
#Gay
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Being
#Night
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Being
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Wife
#Truth
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Mother
#Ugly
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Fight
#Night
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#People
#Pet
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Life
#Food
#Age
#Fact
#Kitchen
#Sex
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Drinking
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Life
#Sex
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Wife
#Kisses
Life is just a bowl of pits.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Life
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Acting
#Time
#Emotions
#Actor
#Deals
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Being
#Talking
#Fact
#Arguments
#Party
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Family
#Dogs
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Father
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Wife
#Marriage
#Boyfriend
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Mother
#Sickness
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Friend
#Mother
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Want
#Ugly
#Opinion
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Dying
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Wife
#Years
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Eye
#Wife
#Day
#Trying
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Wife
#Home
#Night
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Wife
#Car
#Sex
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Now
#Wife
#Light
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Wife
#Day
#May
#Jealousy
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Kids
#Parents
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Being
#Men
#Wages
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Control
#Birth control
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Wife
#Birds
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Parents
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Mother
#Ugly
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Right
#Now
#Nothing
#Wife
#Night
#Sex
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Wife
#Respect
#Man
#Woman
#Birthday
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Ugly
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Time
#Father
#Proof
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Marriage
#Sleep
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Hope
#World
#Man
#Fight
#Reform
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Parents
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Parents
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Time
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#People
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Respect
#Luck
#Running
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Day
#Man
#Reading
#Blind
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Kids
#Wife
#Goodness
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Want
#Wife
#Years
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Family
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Luck
#Running
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield,
American
Comedian
#Day
#Home