The Good Quote
Open menu
Quotes
Authors
Topics
More
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
Home
Authors
Steven Wright
American
Comedian
About the author
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Future
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Fish
#Fishing
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Friend
#Baby
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Light
#Traveling
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Mimes
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Man
#Argument
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#People
#Night
#Cards
#Poker
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Pet
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
So, do you live around here often?
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Rest
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Worth
#Thoughts
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#God
#People
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Word
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Writing
#Autobiography
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Writing
#Numbers
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Children
#Purpose
#Books
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Word
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Day
#Baby
#Babies
#Vacation
#Beach
At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#People
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Past
#Memories
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Mistakes
#Sleep
#Girlfriend
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Canada
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Science
#Body
#Fiction
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Evolution
#Theory
What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Night
#Evening
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Fishing
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#People
#Power
#Yesterday
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Day
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Now
#Weather
#Santa claus
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Wonder
#Ocean
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Difference
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Time
#Right
#Now
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Museums
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Years
#Luck
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Fight
#Birthday
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#People
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#People
#Car
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#World
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Now
#Home
#Car
#Machine
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Car
#Driving
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Walking
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Friends
#Friend
#Car
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Now
#Water
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Worry
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#People
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Time
#Water
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
How young can you die of old age?
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Old
#Age
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Pressure
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Money
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Coffee
#Employees
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Want
#World
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Washington
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Will
#Night
#Hate
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Press
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Time
#Walking
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Old
#Night
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Open
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Thinking
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Walking
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Trying
#Mind
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Thought
#Reading
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Work
#Fire
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#God
#Civilization
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Talk
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Advertising
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Time
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Car
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Singing
#Birthday
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Country
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Time
#Coffee
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Curiosity
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Now
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Play
#Car
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Clothes
#Buying
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#End
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Steven Wright,
American
Comedian
#Wrong
#Company