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Home
Authors
Tim Allen
American
Comedian
About the author
While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
Tim Allen,
American
Comedian
#Act
#Comedy
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.
Tim Allen,
American
Comedian
#Now
#Work
#Children
#Men
#Prison
#Job
#Choice
#Women
#Choices
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
Tim Allen,
American
Comedian
#Want
#End
#Women
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
Tim Allen,
American
Comedian
#Words
#End
#Woman
#Trust
Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.
Tim Allen,
American
Comedian
#Kids
#Fun
#Respect
#Needs
#Parents
#Example
#Humor
#Friendship
#Mom
#Dad
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
Tim Allen,
American
Comedian
#Electricity
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
Tim Allen,
American
Comedian
#Men
#Positive
#Lies
#Lie
#Lying
Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
Tim Allen,
American
Comedian
#Men
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
Tim Allen,
American
Comedian
#Reason
#Men
#Care
#Mom