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Home
Authors
W. C. Fields
American
Comedian
About the author
I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Woman
#Decency
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Trust
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Want
#Women
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Life
#Hope
#Death
#Duty
#Disgrace
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Time
#Man
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Today
#Liquor
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Man
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Living
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Cure
#Sleep
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Day
#Smile
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#World
#Man
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#May
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Nothing
#Sex
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Being
#First
#Succeed
#Fool
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Life
If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Will
#Prosperity
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Woman
#Courtesy
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Money
#Wrong
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Woman
#Night
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Life
#Woman
#Rest
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Question
#Women
#Doubt
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Now
#Drinking
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Nothing
#Food
#Water
#Prohibition
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Fish
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Nothing
#Food
#Water
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Nerves
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Vote
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Life
#Experience
#Sleep
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Home
#Being
#Worry
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Devil
#HusbActor
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Nothing
#Man
#Poor
#Money
I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Hate
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Nothing
#Feet
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Family
#Men
#Women
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Children
#Animals
Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Children
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Will
#Heart
#Worry
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Death
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Hell
#Vote
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Living
#Lies
I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Will
#Habit
#Water
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#People
#Sense
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Fish
#Water
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Children
I drink therefore I am.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Food
#Wine
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Hate
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#State
#Prison
#Father
#Electricity
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
W. C. Fields,
American
Comedian
#Water