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Home
Authors
Woody Allen
American
Director
About the author
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Words
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Life
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Life
#Art
#Television
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Want
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#People
#World
#Waking
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Death
#Experience
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Wife
#Boss
#Decision
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Television
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Now
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Want
#God
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#God
#Name
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Idea
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Right
#Profit
Marriage is the death of hope.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Hope
#Death
#Marriage
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Gold
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Practice
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Want
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Want
#People
#Universe
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Want
#Will
#Food
#Oysters
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Love
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Want
#Sleep
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#War
#Peace
#Russia
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Being
#First
#Choice
#Funny
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Wife
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Job
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Will
#Students
#Oneness
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Want
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Food
#Man
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Woody Allen,
American
Director
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Action
#Parents
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Nothing
#Dream
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Nothing
#Illusion
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Tradition
#Illusion
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Time
#Nature
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Being
#Talent
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Life
#Suffering
#Misery
#Loneliness
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Food
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Fun
#Man
#Mind
#Body
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Love
#Pretty
#Experience
#Sex
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Life
#Success
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Right
#Now
#Idea
#Money
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Crime
#America
#Office
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Death
#Lying
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#God
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Life
#Regret
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Night
#Luck
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Time
#Fun
#Rest
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Money
#Poverty
#Financial
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Life
#Death
#Evening
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Lie
#Sleep
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Mistakes
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#God
#Opposition
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Being
#Car
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#God
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Wife
#Home
#Boats
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Night
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Problems
#Comedy
#Drama
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Lying
#Dying
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Nothingness
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Suicide
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Education
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Parents
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Teachers
#Education
#School
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Success
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Want
#Work
#Immortality
#Dying
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Want
#Death
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Want
#Wife
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Life
#Change
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Government
I am two with nature.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Nature
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Laughter
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen,
American
Director
#Chess